Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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