captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
