The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
