8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
