Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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