he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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