Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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