If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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