Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
