can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
