I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
