Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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