Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
