How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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