I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
