Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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