Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
