U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
