Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
