I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
