I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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