Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
