I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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