i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
