Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
