My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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