I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
