my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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