Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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