I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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