i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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