I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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