ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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