I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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