I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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