I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
