He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
