I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
