why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
