I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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