Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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