and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
