somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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