dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
