You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
