Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
