Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
