I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
