She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
