just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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