I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
